Get Your Guns in Top Gun Shape
Editorial Bro here.
AKA The Johnny Utah Professor of Bromantic Literature at Thanks, Bro….. AKA Professor Broscience.
Having a foot in both the humanities and science departments at Thanks, Bro means I have plenty of topics to write about. That said, you can see it’s been about a year since I last made an update to this site. Now, the reasons for this are long and distinguished (and so is this Top Gun reference) but let’s just get back into the swing of things, alright?
While I’m not actually a Professor of Broscience per se, I’ve darkened the door of enough gyms to know what works and what doesn’t. And while I could give you a diatribe about working your leg muscles and how they’ll lead to your largest testosterone increases blah blah blah, I’m blogging here – which means I have to keep your interest so I’m gonna toss you some bicep exercises you’ve never done before. And as I like the to say, the best exercise for blowing up is the exercise you’ve never done before.
Here’s an exercise I picked up from some powerlifters I used to work out with. It’s called a landmine, and while it works your core mostly, you definitely feel it in your guns. Basically all you need is a barbell, a corner to put one end of the barbell in, at least a 45lb plate and …. that’s about it. This is what it looks like
Do that for 10 reps/side. THEN I’d suggest that you then drop the weight and do weighted punches with the barbell, just the way Ross Enamait shows it in this section of his clip. Actually, wouldn’t hurt to watch the whole video, Ross is badass.
These two kettlebell exercises come from Funk Roberts, a name that is either like the most awesomeness name ever, or not. Anyway, I’ve used them for about a year, and just so you know I practice what I preach(er curl) — I tossed them into my workout tonight too.
Gunslingers rule.
Tons of fun for your guns bro. Don’t forget to stay anabolic by eating some beef jerky too.
As a connoisseur of all things bro related, I stumbled upon the iTunes “essentials” playlist dedicated to “bro rock.” Interest piqued; perusal ensued.
This is just simply insulting.
First song on the list was “Photograph” – and I thought – “Hey! Good to see some Def Leppard on the list.” But then I realized it wasn’t the Def Leppard song, but the Nickelback one.
Uh oh.
A quick scan of the songs from the first cut included Linkin Park, Creed, 3 Doors Down, Staind, Matchbox 20 and Hinder.
Whaa?
That isn’t bro rock. It’s not even cock rock. Those bands are just like… shit rock.
I want to know who the bros were that were in charge of making this list? I highly doubt their bro credentials; I bet they’ve never even seen Road House!
Therefore, in the spirit of righting this wrong, here’s my bro rock playlist.
Lynyrd Skynyrd – Freebird
Imagine an alternative bro universe where there was no such thing as guitars or rock music (shudder to think). Then imagine using some sort of transport machine like in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure to take a random bro from that universe and bring him back here, perhaps to the parking lot of a Circle K. Then play Freebird for that bro. He will instinctively begin to air guitar to the solo, even though he isn’t quite sure what he’s doing as he is completely unfamiliar with the concept of a guitar – but it just feels right. So, perhaps to paraphrase Voltaire, if air guitar did not exist, it would necessary for Lynyrd Skynyrd to invent it. Or something
Dangerzone – Kenny Loggins
Perhaps the iTunes omission of one of the best songs from the Top Gun soundtrack was done on purpose? That it was redundant because by definition bro rock is Kenny Loggins’ Dangerzone and conversely Kenny Loggins’ Dangerzone is bro rock? Like, the iTunes people automatically assumed that Dangerzone would be too obvious for inclusion? I hope? Bueller?
Anyway You Want It – Journey
So what? So let’s dance!
The Rocky Theme – Bill Conti
C’mon bro, don’t pretend like you’ve never put this on at the gym and imagined yourself running up a flight of stairs in triumph, punching out Ivan Drogo, Tommy Gunn, or a slab of beef in a meat locker.
American Girl – Tom Petty
I mean, aside from brilliantly explaining the human condition just as well as Tolstoy could (“God it’s so painful / something that’s so close / that’s still far outta reach”), American Girl serves as sort of bro nation national anthem. It’s got the word America in the title and there is simply no one out there that does NOT like this song – everyone can rally around it, bud.
Two Tickets to Paradise/Take Me Home Tonight – Eddie Money
I pair these two songs together because they function as an example of what I call,“frat basement causality.”
IF (necessary condition) “I have two tickets to paradise” THEN (sufficient condition) you should “take me home tonight.” It’s like, broscience.
(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right (To Party) – The Beastie Boys
When I asked the head bro his thoughts on my bro rock list, he suggested adding Fight For Your Right. In his words, “I used to jump around my room and tear shit up to it at roughly age five, maybe six.”
Here I Go Again – Whitesnake
Every Rose Has It’s Thorn – Poison
Don’t Know What You Got (‘Til It’s Gone) – Cinderella
Bro break-up songs. Enough said.
Paradise City – Guns n Roses
Again, enough said.
Shook Me All Night Long – AC/DC
The double-entendres of this song are so heavy that they have double-entendres upon themselves, creating like, quadruple-entendres.
Livin on a Prayer – Bon Jovi
You know how Proust’s narrator in Remembrance of Things Past involuntarily kickstarts his memories of his youth when he tastes a madeleine? Like, he’s transported into memory without consciously trying to? Well, I’m pretty sure that people instantly remember/experience the smell of stale Natty Light when Livin’ on a Prayer is played, and that, I think, is pretty bro.
Don’t Stop Believin’ – Journey
If you were somehow able to create a visual montage of the events that happened to you during your blackout, this would be the soundtrack.
Timeless Platonic Wisdom From Over the Top
So basically Plato in his dialogues used Socrates in various ways to roll out the whole “know thyself” motif, but honestly I think the Stallone trucking driving/arm wrestling epic Over the Top one ups Phaedrus and the other various dialogues in getting to that core aphorism!
Bull Hurley likes to drive trucks, break arms and arm wrestle. He knows that’s what he does best! Dude boils it down succinctly.
Same thing with Stallone! He knows himself (and his hat) just as well!
Seriously, why read the Republic et al when you can just spend some time with Stallone? As we’ve noted previously, his speech at the end of Rocky IV basically did more to bring down the iron curtain than perestroika and glasnost combined, bro.
We realize that Patrick Swayze has the whole bouncer/philosopher market cornered, but can’t we make room at the table for Stallone the arm-wrestling/boxing intellectual polymath?
If Tennis Was Really Like This We’d Watch It More Often
Setting the Gnar Bar
The Editorial Bro was watching Tosh.0 and caught a great Web Redemption with Micah, the surfer interview fail guy. Been awhile since I saw the original YouTube clip so it brought me back.
| Tosh.0 | Tuesdays 10pm / 9c | |||
| Uncensored – Web Redemption – Surfer Interview Fail | ||||
| http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:video:tosh.comedycentral.com:398124 | ||||
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The Tosh segment a bit long so here’s the original Youtube clip of Micah:
Surfers are easy targets and have made for great pop culture fodder for years. But who’s the most righteous surfer bro of all time?
…Spicoli?
…Bodhi?
All set the gnar bar pretty high bro. But I don’t think it gets any more epic than Malibu from American Gladiators. Epic, just epic.
Shakespeare Invented the Bromance
Believe it or not, but the concept bromance extends further back than the epochal Volleyball scene in Top Gun. Seriously! It does!
Taking a page from a previous post (Fart Jokes in Pre-Renaissance Literature, And Stuff) I’m examining the concept of bromance in literary fiction (1) since the top-whatever lists of bromance on the web always include movies but never the printed word.
Which is strange, because the antecedents of Maverick/Goose, Rocky/Apollo, Riggs/Murtaugh can be traced to novelists examining bromantic relationship hundreds of years earlier.
You do yourself a favor and think about it. You’ve got epic bro love between Darcy and Bingley in Pride & Prejudice. Young budding bromance with Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. But let’s go back a little more, ok?
I think the invention of the literary bromance begins, and some may argue ends, with Shakespeare. (2) The bro-bard provided us not only with numerous neologisms, but also the ur-text of all bromances: Hamlet and Horatio.
Now, Shakespeare was pretty adept at capturing bromances between other characters – think Mercutio and Romeo, Rosencratz and Gildenstern in Hamlet, just to name a few.
But NOTHING compares to Hamlet and Horatio!
The guys are total bros. Maybe they bunked together at the University of Wittenberg too – I don’t know. Point is, H&H can offer some serious lessons in being the ultimate winger.
Trust your Bro
Your Uncle killed your old man, your Mom married your Uncle, you’ve got these two sketchy dudes Rosencrantz and Gildenstern up in your business – who do you turn to? Your bro! Basically, Horatio is the only one Hamlet can trust. Talk about a winger! Here’s Hamlet in Act III asking Horatio to do him a solid by keeping an eye on Claudius during the play that Hamlet commissioned to ascertain Claudius’ guilt in his father’s death:
Observe my uncle. If his occulted guilt
Do not itself unkennel in one speech,
It is a damned ghost that we have seen,
And my imaginations are as foul
As Vulcan’s stithy. Give him heedful note
For I mine eyes will rivet to his face,
And after we will both our judgments join
In censure of his seeming.
Hamlet can’t turn to his family or his girl (and let’s not get started with Polonius) but he knows his bro Horatio will back him up. Which leads us to:
Which leads us to….
Be a Bro in Good Times and Bad
Being a bro doesn’t mean just being a drinking buddy – sometimes you gotta step up to the plate and be there for your bro when times are hardest. Horatio ditches his studies at Wittenberg to come support Hamlet when his old man is stretched out on the pine. Check it:
HORATIO
My lord, I came to see your father’s funeral.
HAMLET
I pray thee, do not mock me, fellow-student;
I think it was to see my mother’s wedding.
HORATIO
Indeed, my lord, it follow’d hard upon.
Hamlet’s rightfully steamed that his Mom married Claudius right after King Hamlet’s death (“the funeral baked meats / Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables”) and makes somewhat of a sarcastic comment, though Horatio takes it in stride and offers an understanding response. That’s just being good people and doing right by your bro, you know?
Watch Your Bro’s Back
Hamlet wants to go off and chase the ghost that appears in Act I, though Horatio tells him to pump the breaks a bit:
What if it tempt you toward the flood, my lord,
Or to the dreadful summit of the cliff
That beetles o’er his base into the sea,
And there assume some other horrible form,
Which might deprive your sovereignty of reason
And draw you into madness?
Being a good bro doesn’t mean being a doormat and going along with anything and everything. Sometimes you gotta speak up and tell your bro he’s making a mistake.
Let Your Bro Know How You Feel
Bros can be open with their feelings and have a general rap session where they talk about how they feel about each other. It’s like opting for a bro-hug instead of a high five – sometimes you gotta show your bro-love. Here’s Hamlet giving some to his bud Horatio in Act III:
And blessed are those
Whose blood and judgment are so well commeddled
That they are not a pipe for Fortune’s finger
To sound what stop she please. Give me that man
That is not passion’s slave, and I will wear him
In my heart’s core, ay, in my heart of hearts
As I do thee.
You know when Iceman says to Maverick “you can be my wingman any time”? Well, they were basically expressing the above sentiment. Shakespeare just said it better, brah.
Support Your Bro to the End
As Hamlet’s dying, Horatio offers to drink the poisoned wine so he can die at the same time as Hamlet:
I am more an antique Roman than a Dane:
Here’s yet some liquor left.
Talk about taking a grenade for your bro!
Hamlet declines Horatio’s offer though, asking him instead to keep Hamlet’s rep intact (“If thou didst ever hold me in thy heart, Absent thee from felicity a while, And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain To tell my story”) as Fortinbras is poised to take over the Kingdom. Horatio explains what happened to Fortinbras and ‘Bras does H&H a solid by establishing that Hamlet was good people and ensuring him a proper burial.
Here’s ‘Bras:
Let four captains
Bear Hamlet like a soldier to the stage,
For he was likely, had he been put on,
To have proved most royally. And, for his passage,
The soldiers’ music and the rites of war
Speak loudly for him.
Perhaps next post we’ll look at how bromance evolves in 19th Century British Literature. Stay tuned.
Footnotes:
(1) This sounds like a college English class. Therefore I’m going to declare myself the Johnny Utah Professor of Bromantic Literature at Thanks, Bro
(2) Yes – slightly borrowing from Harold Bloom’s “Invention of the Human” thesis here.
JCVD: The Freshmaker
Just finished watching Bloodsport again because… well, why not? It’s awesome. You’ve got JCVD, fighting, a hot girl and a serious bromance between JCVD and the guy that played Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds (seriously!)
Figured that I could somehow swing this into a Thanks, Bro post, so I started trawling YouTube and quickly came up with this gem.
Which inspired a few spinoffs of Jean-Claude Van Damme Mentos spoofs. Check it out:
Fart Jokes in Pre-Renaissance Literature, and Stuff
The other day Pauline posted on Josh’s (Head Bro of Thanks, Bro) facebook wall the astonishing K-Swiss YouTube video featuring Kenny Powers as the new M.F.C.E.O. Vid is below, if you haven’t seen it.
To which I replied on Josh’s wall:
I never thought anything would ever top the scene in dumb and dumber when harry realizes the toilet’s broken at the aspen house as the greatest moment in video…until i saw this
FYI: full unedited video here:
And the whole thing got me thinking… Is there anything funnier than fart jokes? Seriously. Is anything more viscerally funny than gurgling sounds emanating from your bottom? Probably not.
At first I thought I would just come up with a bunch of film clips that had great fart scenes (Blazing Saddles, South Park, etc.) but that was too easy. How about reaching back into pre-Renaissance literature?
So check it. Chaucer was probably the most important figure in English Literature (we can have the argument about him vs. Billy Shakespeare ad neaseum, but Chaucer wrote in the vernacular which was pretty damn important in the Middle Ages), though he wasn’t above making some seriously good fart jokes. In the Miller’s Tale, part of the Canterbury Tales, Geoffrey C. raps about Nicholas who has just taken down this brosephina Alison. So while they’re lounging around in post-coital bliss this other guy Absalom tries to spit game on Alison outside their (N. & A.’s) window. Anyway, she says she’ll kiss him but since it’s dark she gives him her backside instead (didn’t the same thing happen in Revenge of the Nerds??). Absalom fumes a bit but goes back for round two (though he brings along a hot branding iron since revenge is a dish best prepared with smoldering steel…) and Nicholas basically farts in his face.
This Nicholas was risen for to pisse,
And thoughte he wolde amenden al the jape;
He sholde kisse his ers er that he scape.
And up the wyndowe dide he hastily,
And out his ers he putteth pryvely
Over the buttok, to the haunche-bon;
And therwith spak this clerk, this Absolon,
“Spek, sweete bryd, I noot nat where thou art.”
This Nicholas anon leet fle a fart,
As greet as it had been a thonder-dent,
That with the strook he was almoost yblent;
And he was redy with his iren hoot,
And Nicholas amydde the ers he smoot…
So fast-forward about 700 years and you’ll still see some good fart jokes even in Post-Modern Lit. Let’s take a look at one of the “Big Buddy” scenes from David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest (1996), where the older tennis academy students are paired up with the younger kids in an effort to share knowledge and have the lil ones ask the burning questions they can’t ask the older prorectors.
A hand raised by the violently cross-eyed Carl Whale, age thirteen. Acknowledgment from Struck.
‘Say you have to fart.’
‘You’re serious, Mobes, aren’t you.’
‘Jim sir, say you’re playing out there, and suddenly you have to fart. It feels like one of those real hot nasty pressurized ones.’
‘I get the picture.’
Now some empathic murmurs, exchanged looks. Josh Gopnik is nodding very intensely. Struck stands very straight to the right of the viewer, hands behind his back like an Oxford don.
‘I mean the kind that’s real urgent.’ Whale looks briefly around him. ‘But that it’s not impossible it’s actually a need to go to the bathroom, instead, masquerading as a fart.’
Now five heads are nodding, pained, urgent: clearly a vexing sub-14 issue. Struck examines a cuticle.
‘Meaning defecate is what you mean, then, Mobes. Go to the bathroom.’
Gopnik looks up. ‘Carl’s saying the kind where you don’t know what to do. What if you think you have to fart but it’s really that you have to shit?’
‘As in it’s a competitive situation, it’s not a situation where you can go bearing down and forcing and see what happens.’
‘So out of caution you don’t,’ Gopnik says.
‘—fart,’ Philip Traub says.
‘But then you’ve denied yourself an urgent fart, and you’re running around trying to compete with a terrible hot nasty uncomfortable fart riding around the court inside you.’The only reason the Buddies in V.R.8 can hear the little burst of applause from the foyer is because Struck won’t hesitate to pause and consider silently as long as he has to. To the kids the pauses spell dignity and integrity and the still-water depth of a guy with nine years in at three different academies, and who has to shave daily. He exhales a slow breath through rounded lips, looking off up at the ceiling’s guilloche border.
‘Mobes, if it’s me: I let it ride.’
‘You let it out come what may?’
‘A la contraire. I let it ride around inside all day if I have to. I make an iron rule: nothing escapes my bottom during play. Not a toot or a whistle. If I play hunched over I play hunched over. I take the discomfort in the name of dignified caution, and when it’s especially bad I look up at sky between points and I say to the sky Thank You Sir may I have another. Thank You Sir may I have another.’
Gopnik and Tallat-Kelpsa are writing this down.
So there you have it. Fart jokes in the greatest contributions to English Literature from the Middle Ages to the Post-Modern age.
And yes, I’ll still post a clip of 20 different fart scenes. Love the Garbage Pail Kids movie inclusion haha.
Press Release Thingie Format // New York
Thanks, Bro (www.thanks-bro.com) – a Manhattan gift delivery service that lets you say thanks like a man, with beef jerky and beer – is throwing their company launch party on a boat, bro.
On August 10th Thanks, Bro will be pairing up with Marco Polo Cruises for a concoction they’ve deemed the 1st Annual Jerk-Off, an official jerky selection event where 300+ bros and bro-ettes will vote on jerky samples from a number of gourmet vendors via QR code tallying, at the conclusion of which an “Official Jerky of Thanks, Bro” will be named right there on the boat.
In addition to the free jerky tasting, there will be a four-hour top-shelf open bar, liquor sponsor giveaways, as well as a number of bro-ey gifts from the hosts. Not to mention it will all take place on a cruise circling the scenic southern part of Manhattan. Tickets for the event can be purchased at http://thanks-bro.ticketleap.com/annual-jerk-off. Thanks, Bro was founded in March of this year by Eric Binder (official job title: Ambassador Bro) and Josh Folan (official job title: Head Bro) in hopes they could help men overcome the emasculation of having to send fruit, flowers and candy when a genuine thank you need be extended in their lives.
Mission accomplished, bro
Teen Wolf Drops Some Knowledge
So with the MTV version of Teen Wolf on the air right now it’s worth remembering that 1985’s masterpiece starring Michael J. Fox had some pretty priceless advice, including this gem:
There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.
The Official Bro-Blog of Thanks, Bro Beef Jerky and Beer Delivery 